i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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