Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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