I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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