But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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