Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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