roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
