1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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