I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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