ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
