kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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