Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
