just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
