i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.