saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
