The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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