You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
