Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
