I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
