dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
