Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
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He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
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Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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