if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
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You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
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You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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