Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
