It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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