The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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