I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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