If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
