His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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