Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
