So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
