my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
