I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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