he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
