It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
