can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
His hands were made for my vagina.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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