guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
