just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
