I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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