I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
