dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
