ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
