wrigley field is MILF paradise
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
