Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
