Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
