I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
