So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
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I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
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You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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