Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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