Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
