If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
