Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
