look no pants
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
