I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
