How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
