shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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