remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
