Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
