He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize