We named our party play list daddy issues
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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